Ask a black person. Both questions asked about how dating outside of my race was in my own experience and so that's what I'll be focusing on for the duration of this article. Your results May Vary. The two questions boil down to three different ideas: What are my personal feelings when black people date white people?
What problems may arise when a black woman tries to hit on someone outside of her race? Why is there such hate about interracial dating? Let's start at the top. Honestly, I don't care. I honestly don't care what adults do as long as it's consensual and it doesn't actually bother me none. That being said I'm also a person who dates interracially. Because of my sexuality and my struggles to differentiate between physical characteristics, I tend not to pay too much attention to what a person looks like, assuming I'm attracted to them.
Additionally, I generally get more physically attracted to a person as time goes on. So the whiteness or the Blackness or every whatever race doesn't really matter to me very much. As of this moment because of me not really dating until college which was mostly White and then moving to Denver which is also mostly White, I have had not had much access to non-white partners.
It's different I assume. Honestly, it's probably a lot harder. There are a lot of issues and confusion you have to work through to date interracially. This is on top of the normal confusion with dating. The longer it goes the more complicated it gets as families get involved, traditions, and in general, cultures clash. At the same time though if the couple is interested in making that work it's definitely not impossible.
To on to the next question. What problems arise when a black woman tries to hit on someone outside of their race? I'll be blunt for starters- they never believe you're hitting on them. The amount of times that people have told me in casual conversation that they don't believe black people would ever be interested in them is unfortunately high.
Even worse, it happens when I am interested in said person. Then there's the awkward argument about the fact that they can be interested and maybe you should consider it. They then start to tell you about how awkward they feel and how they assume that no black woman would be interested and the geeky, pale, quiet white guy. And so begins the most awkward courting process ever.
Often that means that the man who outright hits on you also fetishizes you, or will say they notice but don't date black women, or they are the man who's been overlooked for a while for various reasons and now are looking to you as one of their limited options.
It can be downright discouraging. Black women are ranked lowest along with Asian men in terms of people's interest in dating them. I wish I could say it had to do with personality but it really doesn't seem too. My white friends complain about getting hit on all the time, most can easily pick up and drop people they want to date with ease.
Particularly with interracial dating I just don't have that option. But I'm getting a bit off topic. Say you meet a man who actually seems interested, that's huge step; but now we have a problem. White men are used to pursuing their interest in a casual way by slowly increasing the intimacy level.
Black women are used to being more forward and teasing. Not only are black women willing to state their interest more readily than some other cultures, but they expect the same from the person they're interested in. We have one passive person and one active person in terms of Interest. Additionally having the opposite reaction having someone pursue you when are used to things being passive or vice versa typically ruins any chemistry that may be present. You can read more about that here: If I don't know you and I asked you out to dinner, I'm not being friendly!
If we don't really know each other and I suggest we get drinks, I'm probably also not being friendly. The miscommunication is often two-fold. Partly white man assume that no black woman is interested in them and so of course they must be being friendly. Then if they make that interest clear, any that was there disappears.
This just has to do with the general lack of interest in black women and our different dating cultures. The directness of black women is often seen as too much.
Or even worse for fear of offending us we are relegated to positions of being seen as a non-sexual person. A person with no interest whom you can never compliment, chat with in a romantic manner or generally hit on. It feels as though something is wrong with you. That if only you were white, that person would look at you differently then they do. The black women that do well are almost always mixed, lighter skin, soft curls or straight hair, thinner, and generally fit the rest of the mold of what white men are looking for in their white women.
If, by some miracle you do end up on what is actually a date, things continue to be complicated. The cultures work on different timelines and have different expectations. White culture tends to be a bit more traditionalist.
In some ways it moves slower but also allows for each relationship to blossom into its own. For instance who pays? In general, if I'm on a date with a man I expect him to pay. Not because I can't pay or not because I don't even want to, but it's a part of the courting process. If I pay, it means that it's definitely a date, and I really enjoyed it.
It's a way to show my independence but also my interest. White men find it weirdly emasculating. Another weird spot can be touching people. I don't touch people I'm not in to. If I touch you or allow you to touch me that is generally a sign of approval. Say the dates are going well, there is an area in Black culture that exists that is not a thing in white culture.
That time, is called talking. Sometimes it means you are exclusive and sometimes it does not but it is something that is agreed upon between the two of you once you've established that you're interested. During this time you court each other, may do physical things with each other, and generally are comfortable letting people in your life know that you are in some type of relationship with this person.
Assuming all goes well, you will most likely be exclusively dating at some point. This may sound like friends with benefits but it's not. It's a time to get to know each other and see if you are compatible long-term.
This is before anyone gets too invested either way. White men do not know of this and so don't use it. So often it's easy to be under the impression that you are talking to a person, often because you have openly flirted with them, invited them out to dinner, and have tried to make your interest clear, and they think you're just being friendly.
Essentially black women trying to date white men is just ripe with problems. With some tenacity, some patience, and a lot of mistakes dating a white man is possible. But, if you have access the people of your own ethnicity and culture it will probably be significantly easier.
The last question was what's with all the hate on interracial dating particularly from the black community. In some people's minds because our families were ripped apart, our men sold and now jailed, we should be focused on continuing our race and not dating our oppressors.
This pressure is on both men and women to find people of their own race to be interested in. Because many of our black men are in jail, some of the community feels that they should be looking for a black woman to date as the options are limited.
When black men date outside of our race it can sometimes feel like a slap in the face. Particularly those men who get mean about it, and make comments on why they would never date a black woman. White women in a lot of ways are all the things that black women are not; and some men, instead of rising to the occasion and the strength of black women choose to pursue women that are more submissive. Additionally since black women are at the lowest point statistically for people wanting to date them, many feel that the least the men could do in their life is a respect them and their beauty and give them a chance.
On the other hand there is the rare outcome. A black woman with a white man. Within the culture it is seen as selling out for many of the same reasons. With our history of white men raping black women it is seen as particularly….
For some it feels like a slap in the face for all the struggles our ancestors went through. Additionally, black men question why a black woman would want to be with a white man over a black man. Then, there is is a patriarchal and racist aspect to dating white men that confuses black women.
So in the minds of some people the only woman who would date a white man is a person who is submissive. It can be seen as though you are degrading yourself and not living to your full potential. Essentially because of history and our current prison system we have a strange mix of black people trying to date and feeling that anyone who gives up on dating a black person has given up on our culture and heritage.