E-mail You suspected it long before you knew it for sure. You thought that you were imagining things, being insecure in thinking your spouse had someone else. When you asked questions, the answers seemed a little too slick and too rehearsed. Finally, you made the discovery that your spouse did have someone else.
Your spouse is having an affair. Maybe you checked the cell phone bill, read emails, found a note or letter in a pocket or purse, or, even worse, someone saw them and told you about it. When you confronted, denial reigned. He or she is in love with the other person.
Cooperate and they will make things easy for you. Refuse to cooperate and you will find yourself in a bloody legal battle. Maybe your spouse cajoled, or threatened, in a concerted effort to keep you from telling anyone what was happening.
He or she did everything possible to keep you from going to your church leaders, their boss, your family, your in-laws, and maybe even your best friend. Secrecy helped them, not you, but because you thought there might be a chance to keep him or her calm and possibly stop this nightmare, you allowed yourself to be manipulated.
Maybe your abandoning spouse had a period of hesitation. He or she tried to end the affair, and told you that they were willing to work on the marriage.
Maybe the paramour found a way to get to him or her, rekindled the passion and convinced your spouse that he or she will never be happy without them. If your spouse went back to the affair the second time, it seemed to have much more power over them than in the beginning.
By the time you broke your silence, things had evolved to an almost impossible situation. Your church leaders tried, but had no success in righting the wrong behavior of your spouse.
They found themselves listening to how terrible it is to be married to you, or how hypocritical they were to tell someone else to do right. They might even have heard the startling news that God Himself sent the lover and that He wants them to be together. Or, they might have heard that your spouse no longer believes what they once believed, so the church folks may as well go bother someone who buys into their malarkey.
The fact is that even in these situations a possibility exists that the marriage can be saved and, with time, made good again. My faith in God tells me through His power anything can be done. My faith in people has been strengthened by experiencing God intervening in lives even when a person wanted God to leave him or her alone to do what they wanted to do.
A straying partner who has convinced him- herself that life will be wonderful with the new person seldom decides that before he or she leaves they should take one more run at saving the marriage. One couple remarried after being divorced ten years! There are marriages that are doomed and no matter what happens, it will end and never be healed. Yes, that advice is sound when there is no hope.
Yet I saw it work out. For example, recently a couple came through our weekend intensive workshop for marriages in crisis that shared a remarkable story. Though highly involved in their church, she had gotten too close to another member and that had gradually led to adultery. Neither meant for it to happen.
No one went looking for that kind of relationship. By the time they realized they were on the wrong path, they were so enmeshed with each other that they were convinced that the best thing for everyone — spouses, children, church — was to divorce their spouses and marry each other. The night she told her husband her plans, the emotion was so intense that soon she was in a deep sleep.
He interpreted that as her not caring. The real cause of her deep slumber was the depth of her emotional state. Nevertheless, he spent the rest of the night praying over her sleeping body. He prayed that God would convict her heart; that He would somehow reduce or remove the emotions she had for the other man. The next morning she awakened with the realization that she wanted to save her marriage and wanted very much to get past the feelings she had for her lover.
Shortly thereafter they were in our workshop to learn how it happened, how to heal it, and how to grow in love like they never had before. More often the abandoned spouse prays and prays but the abandoning spouse reacts callously.
They seek any counsel, from Christians or otherwise, that empathizes with their position and gives any encouragement whatsoever. Does that mean prayer has no power? So is doing the right things. If your spouse has told you that he or she is in love with someone else, I suggest you do the following things.
However, if at heart they are good people, they are worth rescuing. Or, if he or she is a good person involved in a bad situation, you can fight to save your marriage. Our experience is that if a good person gets straightened out, not only can the marriage be saved, but it can be stronger and more loving than it was before.
Things NOT to Do If you decide to try to save your marriage, immediately stop allowing your spouse to manipulate you in any way. Slow things down and drag things out even if it makes them angry. Time is on your side, especially if you continually pray for God to intercede and bring trials and tribulations into the sinful relationship.
At the same time, do not cling, beg, whine, plead, or manipulate. It makes you less attractive and intensifies whatever justification he or she has mentally made that allows leaving you. This is very, very important. When a person believes that you are there no matter what they do, they have no compulsion to do right. When they see that you can live happily without them, you become more attractive. Things to Do Take care of yourself physically, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually.
Your life will not end if your marriage ends. God will still be in heaven. He will still love you. Other people in your life who care about you will still care about you. No matter how much you love your spouse, life can go on and be good if he or she leaves you. The time to take care of you is NOT after the chaos has ended. You must do it now.
It benefits your family. And, believe it or not, it often helps bring the spouse back, though you cannot do it for only that reason. When you are sure that your spouse is involved in something, or with someone, that is wrong, arrange a group to do an intervention. There are time-tested and proven ways to do interventions. You cannot be part of the actual intervention, so pick people that he or she respects or cares about.
If your children are old enough, add them to the group; they make great interveners. Share this link with everyone who will help in the intervention. Make an offer of some benefit that will come to your straying spouse if he or she agrees to try at least one thing to save the marriage. Pray for wisdom as to what may motivate your spouse.
People have come to our workshop to salve their consciences, to get their church leaders off their backs, to make the children happy, to get a better deal in the divorce, and more. Are those good reasons to come? Any reason is a good reason because for over a decade our success record is three out of four couples, even for those who did not want to be there and for those who came while madly in love with someone else.
Whether you use our services, a counselor full of faith, a minister, or any other help, do something. If you have a desire to save your marriage, act.
Sitting alone while having a pity party does nothing good for you or anyone else. You cannot make your spouse do right, but you can make yourself get out of the dumps and back on the road of faith in the God who speaks universes into existence. He will not abandon you, even if your spouse does.
Your fullness of life is in Him. We see miracles every month. If you wish to save your marriage, wish to heal, and wish to help your spouse heal, please call us toll free at or complete the form below for more information. We care and we wish to help. Our success rate over the last decade is three out of four marriages saved, even when adultery, porn, anger, or other things have deeply hurt the relationship!