Kermie, who are you talking to? The millions who read The Daily Beast. This is an interview! They thought it would be interesting, me interviewing you.
Since we know each other so well. Wait a second, what exactly is The Daily Beast—some kind of creepy pet-care magazine? Cheat Sheet A speedy, smart summary of all the news you need to know and nothing you don't.
You are now subscribed to the Daily Digest and Cheat Sheet. We will not share your email with anyone for any reason. Anyway, my first questions is: You were there when we made it. Yes, but the readers need to know. I hope they run a picture of the dress. And I end up in a prison guarded by Nadya, played by Tina Fey. Oh, you mean the plot. Of course, but only my parts. Good luck with that. Luck has nothing to do with it.
Tina, Ricky and Ty are also in the movie. Uh, what was it like working with them? I understand, you had a bit of a problem with Tina. You bet I did, buster! She plays this prison warden, Nadya, who falls in love with you.
And she took her part a little too seriously. It was a love tap. I loved that show. Well, in any case, Tina and moi are now close personal friends and we adore each other. What about Ricky Gervais? Only on the first day. You guessed it, Kermie.
He plays Dominic Badguy, who is in cahoots with Constantine, the evil frog. In fact, they do a marvelous musical number together! I did it for Ricky. He better be able to vote for the Oscar. And tell us about Ty Burrell. That lovely French gentleman! That was a fake accent. I thought only Meryl Streep was allowed to do fake accents. I think Ty got permission from her. Oh, I love that show, too! Was Ty fun to work with?
He plays an Interpol agent who is chasing Constantine and Dominic. And as they say in the trades: What about the other Muppets? And then, the other Muppets are in it, too, I guess. But mostly you and moi. No wonder they love you.
I have so many famous friends, and they all showed up on set to watch moi work! Just for a little bit, not so we have to get you a star trailer or give in to your outrageous contractual demands, but just long enough to thrill the audience!
You got some big names: And there are many, many more! Tell us about your duet with singing legend Celine Dion. And she sings like an angel. I thought it was a duet. But I carried the song. Are you talking to the readers again? Yes—just trying to save The Daily Beast from having to issue a retraction. You are so thoughtful. Right, well, that kind of brings us to the last question that The Daily Beast wanted me to ask you.
I love last questions! That means we get to break for lunch! Tell us about your relationship with Kermit. Do you really need to sit so close? You think this is close? As my dear friend Al Pacino would say: I think this interview is over. Good, then we can go to lunch. Right, as soon as you get off my lap. We could order in. The Daily Beast is picking up the tab.