I noticed in the video it might be pretty bright, this slide deck, but I will provide the downloadable link to the slides somewhere below this video. Follow along as you watch this video.
A lot of relationships will fail. In fact, almost all relationships in the 21st century will fail because of a fundamental misunderstanding about the difference between love and attraction. And then actually having to reach that point, the 18th month mark, or three-year mark, where it actually then becomes, to a certain degree, work. You have to put some intentionality into the relationship. You have to commit to it and take extra effort to grow the relationship. So, a couple of the slides will be in common because they are more foundational slides.
And the science also gives us lots of practical implications and applications. He uses the word attraction to denote both of them, but I think different terms could be better. You see here, time is the X-axis and intensity is the Y-axis. The intensity of passion. The more time elapses, the less passion is felt. You see the passion goes down in intensity, the passionate love.
But companionate love is something that grows over time, and it takes quite a lot of time relative to passion to grow. This is the reason why a lot of love relationships fail, because they are just focusing on the feeling of love.
And of course, the feelings of romantic love, the butterflies in the stomach, can go along with commitment at the beginning. And there are all kinds of evolutionary psychology explanations for it, about adaptations and so on, but it just makes sense that at the three to five year mark, passionate lust will peter out and it will have to be replaced by a more abiding commitment, which can then trigger and recreate.
You have to create it. In that, I go over how to make a relationship passionate over the long term, and what all the research tells us. But for most of human history, for most of homosapien history, life expectancy, which is different from span — if you include infant mortality or early childhood deaths, then it is around 20 to Most of our adaptations are for that year span or less.
You see that in this graph. But why is it so easy to confuse love and attraction? One is, we never really had to make that distinction as we pointed out in the evolutionary history between the lust and that connection. This myths seems to have grown and diffused in modern times into a set of interrelated ideas about love and marriage. True love is passionate love that never fades. If you are in true love, you should marry that person.
If love ends, you should love that person because it was not true love in the first place. And if you can find the right person, you will have true love forever. But if true love is defined as eternal passion, it is biologically impossible. What are we trying to do? Attraction is an emotion, the way that word ought to be used. Feelings are not entirely within your control. And that can only have happened if guys keep flipping around, and that must be the case, right?
Your erection is quite fickle as well, why would hers be any different? Hopefully, attraction as a feeling and as an emotion, where an emotion is a little bit more complicated than a feeling — but basically, neither of them are entirely — especially when we first feel them — within our control.
But that initial feeling, very few people can actually do anything about those. Those are usually based on preconceptions or presuppositions that were already pre-existing. There are many meanings for love. There are many of dividing this, analyzing it, what does it mean? But the semantic range of Ai is quite different from the semantic range of the English word love.
And in the Judeo-Christian tradition, in the Greco-Roman tradition, there are definitely dominantly three words that were used that were later translated into English as love. She sacrificed her own life to save her child. Lewis has written quite a bit about and reinserted back into the Christian tradition, so to speak. Not just him, but it was always there. Romantic love includes all four types of love. There are opportunities for what we consider to be the love between a couple, a man and a woman, in a husband-wife type of relationship, to experience all four kinds of love within their relationship.
And because you are best friends, you are used to having this person in your bed, in your house, always there. It becomes like a friendship. If you see a hot ass girl naked, in front of you, bending over, you will still get hard. You get that, right? You see how that comes apart, right? Women are the same way. They are human beings. They have evolved just like us. Yes, there are more penalties for them if they act slutty, nine months of penalties plus a lot more social outcast kind of stuff.
But they still have those feelings. In fact, there are many evolutionary psychology theories for why women engage in short-term mating strategies.
Once you understand that — men and women are almost all alike in that sense. Women too can get really horny and they can separate these different types of love.
The guys who come to me are the ones who are in the one-down position, generally, almost always. But plenty of women end up in the one-down position as well. So, love in the long-term requires a commitment. We would have to work at it.
But that requires a commitment. That destroys the romantic aspect of it. If you have to try, then it must not be love. If it was true love, then it should be easy. Love in the long-term requires a commitment.
She loves him like a brother. How do I get her to be attracted to me? We have physical attractiveness. There are basically two traits that science has shown that universally are attractive to women in men. The first is high testosterone, the second is a certain shoulder to hip ratio on a straight line measurement. And I think it was 48 hours. As soon as that time is done, they take off the shirt, put it into this zip locked bag, and then the girls are given a blind smell test.
Another one is where a guy wears a cotton pad taped to his armpits for whatever it is, 48 hours, and then at the end of that time, same thing, takes the cotton thing out, puts it in an airtight bag. And now, the average is understood to be around or Basically, the medical world just basically lowered the bar by half. And so, men around the world have just become less attractive physically. You can go look it up. And the other is shoulder to hip, of. A lot more research exists for the testosterone than for the straight line measurements.
Try to raise your testosterone, that will help. Like you can see here, a long list of things that women look for.
Everybody is missing one, or two, or of them. Try to raise all of these as much as you can. Social dominance is the next one on this list. And she and her offspring might be killed. It would be better to have part of the billion dollars than all of , Social alliances is very important. Those who have higher social intelligence will generally be a lot more attractive. Same with mental health. You can just kill her and all your kids.
Because emotional-mental health will largely determine how good you are at relating to other people, and so on.
The social stuff relies on the emotional-mental, but of course the physical is an important part, as guys know. Ask yourself the same question, man. What has evolution led women to want?