Answered by Sara Esther Crispe Dear Rachel, I really want to find someone that I can spend my life with, but time after time I seem to end up with guys that treat me like dirt. It as if I am a magnet to these kinds of guys. Is there a way I can change my luck so that I can find someone who I like and who is nice?
It is not by chance that you are attracting the men that you are attracting, but rather it appears that you are seeking such people and personalities.
The Torah explains that a relationship between a man and a woman is like a fire. There are fires that burn, with the flames destroying everything in their midst, and there are the fires that warm, that glow, that illuminate. Your relationships sound like they are pretty fiery.
They probably start out very exciting, very intense, and yet quickly taper off. Whereas, when you had met someone that was nice, kind and warm, you found that you were bored. Perhaps the problem is that you are looking for an intense flame but not recognizing that often the intensity is not coming from the right place.
A fire burns its highest when there is a conflict, something working against it. When the wind blows, the fire grows, but only until it is extinguished. And when the flame is lower, it is that much less likely to be blown out by some wind if wind comes its way.
It is not just symbolic that the relationship of a man and woman is compared to that of fire. It is when there is a Higher power involved in the relationship that ensures that the fire is one that warms and not burn.
This means that when both partners realize that the relationship is not just about them, but about the other, and with a holy purpose, then it has the ingredients necessary to last.
Before getting involved in another relationship, take your time to figure out if this is someone that you can see a future with. Do not try to figure out if this is someone you might like now, might be attracted to now. For now is temporary. What is essential is that you look for the component that will attract you to this person 50 years from now. I wish you much luck in your search for your husband.
May you find someone who recognizes who you are and treats you as you deserve. Rachel Answered by Sara Esther Crispe "Dear Rachel" is a bi-weekly column that is answered by a rotating group of experts.
This question was answered by Sara Esther Crispe. Sara Esther Crispe, a writer, inspirational speaker and mother of four, is the Co-Director of Interinclusion , a non-profit multi-layered educational initiative celebrating the convergence between contemporary arts and sciences and timeless Jewish wisdom. Prior to that she was the editor of TheJewishWoman. To book Sara Esther for a speaking engagement, please click here. If you enjoyed this article, we encourage you to distribute it further, provided that you comply with Chabad.
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