We really do count on a certain percentage of members signing up but not using the facility. If most gyms were used by anything close to the full roster of members, they'd be way beyond capacity. One time, a major blizzard back in the early s basically shut down the city, but we stayed open.
Scores of lapsed members, with nothing else to do and against all expectations, made their way through our doors. It was the busiest day that gym ever had, there wasn't nearly enough equipment for everyone, and it was a goddamn madhouse. Luckily, it's pretty hard to get trampled in a treadmill stampede. Capitol Records Treadmill-related injuries have dropped drastically ever since OK Go canceled their membership. Continue Reading Below Advertisement Beyond tricking the masses into memberships they'll never use, we're supposed to sign clients up for personal sessions because that's where the real money is.
So once we've got people in the fitness room, we tell them the gym itself will do nothing for them, and they need one-on-one time if they want to improve. Not because of our knowledge, necessarily: The true selling point of a personal trainer is having to look somebody in the face and promise you'll come to the gym at a specific time and date.
It's harder to stay on the couch when you've made that personal and financial commitment. You need to earn it back. It's a terrible argument, from what I heard.
I never got around to using it, because hell is basically one big steam room -- can you imagine how much semen is on the floor? That's the ideal list, remember -- we may not know anything about any of that stuff. We may just look rockin' in spandex.
Whatever the case, we are most certainly not authorities on nutrition, rehabilitation, or anything medical. Yet in every gym you'll find trainers happy to advise you on all of those things no matter how disastrous the consequences.
You have to eat another man's heart to gain his strength. That will help you with your cardio. One client wanted to get in shape for her August wedding, so her trainer put her in a sauna suit to run on the treadmill the morning of the wedding to fit into her dress.
And then there was the trainer who decided to fix a client's back pain using "core exercises" that obviously just made the pain worse. We barely dodged a lawsuit on that one. I used to tell clients doing bench presses to touch the barbell to their chests. Then I learned this was shredding up their shoulder joints , so I stopped, but others still insist on it.
Leg extensions are what everyone uses to build their quads, but I tell people not to because they're ruining their knees in the process -- you'll still see a shiny leg extension machine in every gym. One trainer will tell you the lat pull has to go behind the neck, and I've seen that do terrible things to people's shoulders long-term , but I've heard other trainers insist that doing it in front of chest, like I say to, is also bad. Continue Reading Below You'll never know who's right until you screw yourself up doing it wrong.
The man, who we dubbed "the doctor," would do a minute session. At some point, he would casually place the backpack somewhere behind the pull-up station, and the fitness manager would later take it with him into the office. For the next week, all the Terminator-looking guys walked in to the fitness manager's office when the sales manager wasn't around.
I got the feeling they weren't discussing that quarter's revenue. The doctor then runs a series of tests which magically confirm this, and the client, whose only real symptom is a lack of swoleness, skips away with a legal prescription for testosterone.
You can even get your insurance to pay for shrinking your testicles. Now, I have worked with people who've transformed their bodies in phenomenal ways, so I'm not going to say it's impossible to lose weight, but it is much harder than most people think. A large part of that is because the fitness routines we prescribe you are unsustainable, and we know this.
Most people will get through the first few days of a training routine just fine, and we'll tell them it will get easier, but in reality, it gets harder. If it starts to get easier, you'll stop seeing results. And anytime you take on a new project, whether it's starting a fitness routine or a custom dildo business, it steals from something else in your life.
During my first meeting with a client, I extract as much info as possible on the person's lifestyle, mindset, goals, and exercise history, then try drafting a plan they can actually follow.
But if gyms everywhere told clients the truth -- that there is no finish line; you can never say, "OK, now I have a six-pack, so I'm finished with my body and now I can focus all of my time on video games"; that maintaining that six-pack is now your part-time job for the rest of your life; and the older you get, the more work it will take -- a billion-dollar industry would disappear overnight.
Forget rising health-insurance premiums -- that's how fat would cripple the economy. Follow Ryan Menezes on Twitter for stuff cut from this article and other things no one should see. Have a story to share with Cracked?
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