This is the step that often gets missed or overlooked. The problem was simple: I was choosing the wrong men. This is where the problems develop. This is where all the questions and tears and doubt and uncertainties and fears start to consume you. This is just a glimpse into the confusion that ensues when you choose the wrong guy. The start of a relationship can oftentimes color our lenses and sometimes lead us down a bad path and into a toxic relationship.
You meet someone, something clicks, and suddenly it feels like a force outside of you has taken over. You try to think about other things but nothing works. You ruminate over every detail of your interaction with him—what he said, what you said, what his body language said. You think about the things you wish you had said. You check your phone constantly to see if he called or texted. If he does, your stomach drops, your heart races, you want to leap off your seat and shout for joy.
The high continues as you venture into a relationship, and it becomes even more intense. You never quite know where you stand with him.
The uncertainty keeps you on your toes, constantly on alert for something that looks like a bad sign or an ominous foreshadowing. This emotional rollercoaster is as thrilling as it is exhausting.
The worst possible thing that could happen is him leaving. You may check his Facebook profile, but only for a few minutes. You go out a few times, not expecting much, but soon enough your interest and attraction begin to grow.
Which relationship do you think has a stronger chance of survival? Instinctively, you would say the second one. In real life, you would fall for the first. In movies and romance novels, love is this grand, all-consuming force that takes you over in the most dramatic of ways. Unhealthy Relationships Start With a Pull Relationships that start from a place of pure, unadulterated passion can seldom survive unless they have some substance and depth of connection to stand on.
It can lead to great sex and feelings of euphoria, and you may come to understand why they say love is a drug, but no matter how intense and all consuming, that sort of thing is seldom sustainable long term. When you feel a strong and sudden pull towards someone else, the kind that causes you to turn him from mere mortal to deity-like being, something sinister is usually at play. Imago is Latin for image, and the theory essentially states that we unconsciously seek partners who reflect the image of our primary caregivers so that we can try to heal lingering wounds inflicted by them by working through issues with someone in their image.
These relationships present the opportunity to heal ourselves and become whole again, but they also pose the risk of continuing to pour salt into open wounds. How it pans out is something like this: When we meet someone, we immediately sense everything about him, especially the way he makes us feel again, this happens unconsciously.
If your unconscious finds something familiar in that person, something that reminds you of an unresolved hurt from the past, it will light up and push you towards that person. You may also unconsciously seek out partners who have some quality that is underdeveloped in you.
Infatuation Being infatuated sounds like a grand, romantic thing, but it can actually be quite dangerous. Infatuation causes you to fall in love with an image rather than an actual person. It causes you to put someone on a pedestal and overlook his flaws. You rely on his approval so desperately that you also become a bit needy. You lose your sense of worth because it becomes so wrapped up in how he feels about you.
Healthy Relationships Build Slowly Healthy relationships usually begin with mutual interest and attraction that grows over time. This is the complete opposite of unhealthy relationships, which usually start out with a grand light show that quickly simmers into ash. If you can internalize this, it will change the way you date forever. The most important trait to develop is objectivity. Your heart can lead you into all kinds of bad places. Your heart convinces you that the heart wants what the heart wants and who are you to deny your heart?
It makes you do things that you later look back on and wonder, what was I thinking? It does have its benefits, but that comes later. The best way to do this is to try to go slowly. Ease into the relationship instead of diving in head first. This will create an environment for you to allow your level of interest and attraction to grow steadily over time, rather than flooding you all at once in a big emotional tsunami.
If you spend all your time with him, you risk overlooking critical information about who he really is and if the relationship is built to last. It is imperative to have a foundation of compatibility, shared goals and interests, and common values. Before you emotionally invest, it is wise to determine if you are fundamentally compatible.
And the best way to do this is to go slowly. When you first meet someone, you want to spend every minute of every day with him. Either way you have to date smart.
If you just met or just started seeing someone, I strongly advise that you try to limit how much time you spend with him early on. Try to not go on more than two dates a week or engage in marathon texting sessions that go all day. So many girls make the mistake of getting caught up in how the guy feels about them rather than focusing on how they feel about him. You can avoid falling into this trap by doing regular reality checks.
Make sure you see him and the situation clearly. The best way to do this is to make sure you can recognize his flaws.
Why It Matters When you get in over your head, you may convince yourself that something like him wanting to live only in the country and you wanting to live only in the city is not such a big deal. In every one of these situations, the couple believed that things would magically just work out. Imagine how much time and effort they would have saved and heartbreak they would have avoided had they been dating with their heads instead of their hearts from the beginning.
The common thread in most of these cases is that these women are choosing men who clearly are not husband—or even relationship—material and hoping that by some chance the men will suddenly transform into the knights in shining armor they want. Trust me, I know all too well how enticing those damage cases can be.
The problem with these damage cases is that they often have a lot of the qualities we want, but not the ones we actually need. That was clear to me and everyone around me very early into our relationship. Doing so made all the difference. Suddenly the damage cases who were once oh so appealing did nothing for me. He loves your good qualities and accepts and embraces the bad without making you feel guilty for having flaws.
You can share your true self and be vulnerable and feel safe doing so, knowing that if anything it will make him feel even closer to you.