Tap here to turn on desktop notifications to get the news sent straight to you. You meet a seemingly great guy either organically at a bar or online.
You exchange numbers and begin texting. The conversation is effortless — you share similar tastes and make each other laugh. He walks to you respective subway stop — you kiss and make plans to see each other again.
You chat a bit via text for the next few days, but a second date never happens. If you are a single gay man who lives in a large city such as New York City — you have had this happen to you before. Work can be stressful, keeping up with friends can be a task and taking a few moments to relax can be fleeting. So why is it that gay men make dating so much harder than it needs to be? Gay men are — for the most part — a great group of people.
Of course we have a few bad apples every group does but we are talented, hard-working people who share a sense of community and have banned together in times of strife and prejudice. Why then are we so terrible to each other when it comes to finding a mate? Time and time again I hear horror stories of bad first dates, ghosting and people telling flat out lies to first daters. I have had many, many, many first dates in the past year and a half but very few second dates.
Here are some of the reasons I have received for not being asked on a second date: I think we are looking for different things. I or you have a lot of baggage. We must have misunderstood each other.
It happens to me all the time. No response to a sent text message ghosted. I think we are looking for different things: This is a personal favorite of mine.
For the past year or dating, I have made the conscious effort to NOT state what it is I am looking for upon meeting someone in person or online. I am very happy to remain single.
I have a wonderful career, great friends and an amazing family that keep me pretty busy. Should an awesome guy enter the equation — great. But a partner is neither going to define who I am or make or break my future.
If someone reaches out to speak to me, I ask them what they are looking for because I am amenable. I am happy to have fun, meet new friends or go on dates in the hopes that it turns into a relationship.
If not, then why go on a date in the first place? There are an endless amounts of ways for gay men to get their dick sucked in large metropolitan areas: This seems a pretty fair assessment to me. You may end up being pleasantly surprised by what you find.
This excuse for not meeting again is the oldest and lamest of them all. We are all busy at work, and honestly, I would expect nothing less from the person I am dating. I love a man with drive. Again, I am calling bullshit on this excuse. We all have jobs and lives: So why did you go on the initial date?
If you are not in a position to date someone right now, you should not be going on dates. I or you have a lot of baggage: Unless you plan to date a newborn baby, we all have baggage. We all have pasts and sometimes the things that have happened to us in the past can be very traumatic.
I have found that most strong-willed people can take that baggage and turn it into a positive, therefore making themselves a better person in the process. We all have exes. We all have problems with our jobs or strive for something better. Like I said, we are all in different places and some of our baggage is heavier than others.
But asking questions and being honest usually does the trick. It is not, however an acceptable excuse to not see someone again.
Because if you are going on an initial date: We misunderstood each other. It happens to me all the time: Here is my favorite of the bullshit excuses for not getting together with someone again.
If someone approaches me, I ask what they are looking for and take it from there. For example, a grown ass man recently took me out on a date and told me via text and in person multiple times that he was looking for that someone special. Upon being called out, he proceeded to block me on all forms of social media. My biggest pet peeve in life especially in our current political climate is having someone say something to me and then pretend it never happened.
There are boundless ways for us to communicate, which should make it very simple for these misunderstandings to never happen in the first place. No response to a text message ghosting. The only person this really hurts in the long run is the person who does the ghosting.
I understand that we are attached to our devices at all times nowadays and correspondence can oftentimes seem meaningless. However, there are actual real-life people on the other end of those screens and those people have these pesky little things called: When you continuously disappear to get out of telling someone you are not interested or out of any problem in life for that matter, you are not actually dealing with anything at all.
It may be easy to vanish from thin air, but trust me, the ghosts of your past have ways of coming back to haunt you no matter how hard you try to run from them. Say it again, with me, out loud: One more time to ingrain it in your memory: See how easy that is?
No one is perfect. No one will ever be perfect. And for some reason, many gay men think something perfect is right around the corner, thus continuing this endless cycle of first dates without a second date.
Rejection stings one way of the other. But when it happens time and time again, we build a resolve that makes us jaded, biter and nasty toward the very group of people we are trying to date. Why make plans with someone for a second date when you have no intention of seeing them again? We are all adults so it interests me why we act like schoolyard bullies when it comes to dating instead of simply saying what we feel. Has this ever happened to you?
Do you agree or disagree with this assessment?