Do you find yourself making a lot of excuses or talking yourself into why you need to give the relationship more time? Having fun is an essential ingredient in all five stages of dating. It is in these moments that deeper bonds and attachments often occur. Most people who are relatively healthy will not stay in a relationship that is more work than play, which is a good sign. If one or both of you are willing to suffer and endure in a difficult relationship while it is still fairly new, what does that say about how healthy the two of you are, individually and as a couple?
Work and communication are essential to relationships, but successful couples tend to have at least five positives to every one negative. The information and skills taught in Stage 0 and Stage 2 will be essential in helping you learn to have fun. Do you struggle to have difficult conversations, to ask hard questions, or discuss the relationship? Do you fear being rejected at the first sign of being needy or imperfect?
Many singles struggle to communicate. They worry about making mistakes, revealing issues, looking desperate, exposing flaws, or acting in a way that triggers rejection. They fear not knowing the truth, learning the truth, or not knowing what to do with it when they discover it. Such overanalyzation can have a paralyzing effect on both parties. The sad truth is, if either of them initiated conversation with respect, confidence, and warmth they would solicit the answers they need, create more mutual security, address problems with more courage, and feel deeper respect and appreciation whether they continued the relationship or not.
If you develop the skills to do this, you will not only look more confident and desirable, but others will tell you more than you ever imagined and you will feel more secure doing the same.
Love is deeply connected to sacrifice. And security is deeply connected to vulnerability. Facing issues head on with warmth and consistent emotional engagement is how you create lasting love. Stage 2 can help you do this! Do you struggle to trust your partner and the relationship?
Do you feel less chemistry or attraction than you want to feel? Do you find yourself caught in what if, all-or-nothing, catastrophic, or perfectionistic thinking? The first two stages of dating are critical. Most singles set themselves up for big problems due to the people they choose and how they handle the early stages of dating. The warning signs are usually more evident than singles may want to see.
And if neither of these are present i. If singles are to establish and maintain healthy relationships, they need to learn how to: You can have the skills you need to succeed in good relationships. You can trust your judgment, your partner, and the relationship. Take too long to trust and your relationship may wither and die.
You can avoid the common thinking errors that undermine your trust and theirs. You can know what to look for and what to do. Trust is about a process not perfection. Do either of you feel that the other is holding back, not engaging fully, or ignoring the needs of the relationship? Do either of you struggle to feel passion or fully invested? Many singles think that once they become boyfriend and girlfriend their relationship will become easy and close.
This is not always the case. Additionally, no one can create a secure attachment on their own. It is something two people must do together, which doubles the risk that you or your partner will struggle to connect. If you both are to stay Available, Responsive, and Emotionally engaged A. For example, when one person is anxious, lonely, or hurt they may complain, to which their partner may spontaneously react with feelings of criticism, rejection, or emotionally indifference even though they do care.
The first may then responds with anger or hurt, which triggers yet more withdrawal, defensiveness, or rejection from the second. This dance can go on and on, with the one or the other making concessions that they later resent. If you and your partner are to create a secure attachment, you need to understand this dance and the underlying fears and emotions that perpetuate it and what you can do instead.
You need to show faith in the goodness of the other person and that the two of you can resolve and overcome these challenges as you learn to communicate more effectively, respond to each others needs, self-soothe your emotions, engage in repair attempts, and create a conflict-resolution style that fits your individual wishes and preferences. You can learn how to create a secure bond and maintain lasting love, after all it is what both of you want. And Stage 3 will help you with everything you need to know and do to have it.
Do you feel paralyzing doubt or disconnection as you get deeper into relationships? Do you feel a compelling need to decide if you should get married or break up? Do you feel distressed by your ongoing awareness of those who are more attractive, successful, happy, or in love than your feel for your partner? When others ask about your relationship do you find yourself struggling to answer their questions with confidence?
Do you avoid introducing your partner to friends, family, or work colleges because you dread the questions or the pressure that may result? There is a growing population of singles who suffer from underlying anxiety and unrecognized thinking errors that paralyze them in relationships.
They are competent, successful, socially skilled, and dating amazing people; nevertheless, as their relationships progress their doubts, anxiety, and desire to abandon the relationship seems to grow exponentially as well.
They may hang in there and continue the relationship but their suffering in ways that others often can not see. They are frequently labeled as commitment phobic but that is not accurate. They want to commit and be in relationships although at the moment they doubt it. If this fits you, than you probably have a variety of thinking errors that are driving you from feeling the emotions you desire.
You are also highly likely to have an underlying anxiety or Relationship OCD that is causing your mind to lock in on difficult issues that others find easier to dismiss.
It can be hard for you to feel confidence that your concerns are not significant when your emotions are so relentless. Additionally, you are prone to jumping stages. Instead of focusing on the skills in Stage 3 which includes having fun, creating a secure attachment, and improving communication , you jump to Stage 4 solving external problems as a couple or Stage 5 preparing for engagement and marriage.
Such stage jumping substantially increases pressure, anxiety, and thinking errors. You need to learn to reduce this anxiety and thinking errors, deepen your bond, and have fun. Stage 3 includes audios in which Alisa is talking with clients like you, whom she has guided through every stage of this process. They are now happily married and have children. You are not alone. Do you or your partner struggle to depend, rely, or need the other? Is it hard to share feelings, ask for help, or open up?
Do either of you focus on perfection as a means to love and be loved. Learning to trust another person enough to depend and rely on them can be challenging for many singles, but it is an essential ingredient for creating secure attachments.
If you or your partner struggle to ask for help, share feelings, or open up, it will be hard for the other to meet your needs. If either of you keep your emotions or the details of your day to yourselves, even though you love being there for others, you will have a disproportionate amount of power over the relationship. This may feel safe for you but it will be frightening for them. So, if you want a secure attachment, you both need to open up and allow each other to truly know and be known by the other.
Perhaps you feel, like many other singles, that if you shared it all, opened up, and were truly transparent and exposed to them, they would criticize, reject, or abandon you.
How are your issues manifesting through secretive behavior, emotional disconnection, or an inability to truly enjoy the love of another and give it back to them? Stage 3 can help you engage in small steps of disclosure and trust until you feel confident in your relationship and fully enjoy the bond you share. Do you know how to positively influence your partner versus manipulating in aggressive or passive aggressive ways?
Do you know how to bring up difficult issues and address situational triggers by identifying and soothing your partners core fears? Have you proven over time and with a variety of issues that the two of you are successful when solving both personal and relationship problems?
Nothing elicits more shame and deep emotion than the topic of money and sex. When divorcing couples are asked what their biggest problems in marriage were, they usually say communication, sex, and money. The most highly-rated traits of happy marriages includes empathy for the others feelings, needs, and dreams and the ability to influence and be influenced by the other. Is your anxiety or panic increasing? Are you not feeling the level of excitement you think you should be feeling when considering engagement or getting close to marriage?
Are your feelings of doubt normal or a sign that something is wrong with your partner, the relationship, or your love for them? Are you fighting more, getting hung up on small issues, or being consumed with a desire to run away? Are you starting to question whether marriage is right for you or if it really does work for others?
Do you feel prepared for and confident about your ability to sexually satisfy each other? Our society perpetuates romantic notions about love and marriage. Instead of feeling excited about marriage and infatuated with their partner, many singles see that their partner is human with flaws, insecurities, issues, family drama, and less than ideal reactions to stress.
The anxiety, doubt, and even panic, this causes can feel overpowering. However, this is very normal. More people feel this way than those who feel twitterpated. Successful marriages are based on a lot of good and solid qualities both in the individuals and in the relationship.
That being said, there are steps you can take to reduce your anxiety, have more fun, enjoy the process, and increase the feelings you desire. Stages 2, 3, and 4 should have helped you along this path, but stage 5 will definitely get you prepared for and even excited about marriage.