Dating a self loather. A Guide To Dating Someone Who Hates Themselves.



Dating a self loather

Dating a self loather

There are obvious similarities here with my own posts on self-loathing; in one post I focused on the drawbacks with dating a self-loather man or woman , but they were much more benign, having to do with rejecting help rather than inflicting harm. What accounts for the difference in what Dr. Nowinski and I wrote?

Certainly, insecurity and self-loathing are not identical, and there is much room for variation within each one. But for the purposes of examining their effects on relationships I think they can be considered very similar: In this aspect I think they can considered to be the same or, at least, largely overlapping.

If my vision of self-loathing and Dr. Nowinski does not predict dire consequences for all relationships with insecure people, being very clear that insecurity "is not an all-or-none thing. While I agree that the intensity of the problem certainly plays a role in the likelihood of a happy relationship, I would add that this likelihood also depends on how the insecure person or self-loather deals with his or her problem—and this, I think, explains the difference in how Dr.

Nowinski and I describe the issues involved. Nowinski's example of Grace and Adam: Adam is described as a classic underachiever, " shy and quiet," but was eager for a relationship with Grace and willing to be faithful to her. But after six months, he began criticizing her clothing choices, abusing her verbally, and trying to stop her from socializing with friends or even being in a different room from him.

Several commenters to my posts on self-loathing have described similar behaviors with their own partners, but I have not touched on anything like this in my posts on the topic.

There are ethical issues with both options, because to some extent you are using the other person to make yourself feel better, while possibly not fully appreciating him or her as a person deserving of care and respect. In other words, both behaviors focus on you and not on the other person, who should be an equal partner in the relationship, regardless of your feelings toward yourself. However, I think there is still a important difference here: But dragging the other person down to your level is neither done in a positive spirit nor something the other person would ever agree to unless he or she is insecure also.

Is a person with more severe feelings of inadequacy more likely to express them negatively toward his or her partner? But if your self-loathing or insecurity stems from a deep-seated feeling that everyone else is "better" than you by nature , then you would be more likely to see others as examples to live up to. And if you have to chance at a relationship with someone you see as having superior qualities, you would want to benefit from them rather than resent or inihibit them.

Little of this depends on the intensity of the self-loathing or insecurity, but rather on your attitudes toward other people in light of them. That still leaves plenty of room for problems in the relationship, as I detailed in the earlier post, but they deal more with the self-loather's internalization of his or her own issues rather than outward negative expression of them.

Nowinski and I are describing people with similar problems but who are dealing with them in completely opposite ways, which reflect different levels of respect and concern for their partners. In short, people suffering from self-loathing or insecurity have real issues which deserve sympathy and compassion, but which do not justify projecting or imposing them on other people, in particular their romantic partners—ironically, those who are most likely to extend the sympathy and compassion most needed in these situations.

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Dealing With Relationship Insecurity



Dating a self loather

There are obvious similarities here with my own posts on self-loathing; in one post I focused on the drawbacks with dating a self-loather man or woman , but they were much more benign, having to do with rejecting help rather than inflicting harm.

What accounts for the difference in what Dr. Nowinski and I wrote? Certainly, insecurity and self-loathing are not identical, and there is much room for variation within each one. But for the purposes of examining their effects on relationships I think they can be considered very similar: In this aspect I think they can considered to be the same or, at least, largely overlapping.

If my vision of self-loathing and Dr. Nowinski does not predict dire consequences for all relationships with insecure people, being very clear that insecurity "is not an all-or-none thing. While I agree that the intensity of the problem certainly plays a role in the likelihood of a happy relationship, I would add that this likelihood also depends on how the insecure person or self-loather deals with his or her problem—and this, I think, explains the difference in how Dr.

Nowinski and I describe the issues involved. Nowinski's example of Grace and Adam: Adam is described as a classic underachiever, " shy and quiet," but was eager for a relationship with Grace and willing to be faithful to her. But after six months, he began criticizing her clothing choices, abusing her verbally, and trying to stop her from socializing with friends or even being in a different room from him. Several commenters to my posts on self-loathing have described similar behaviors with their own partners, but I have not touched on anything like this in my posts on the topic.

There are ethical issues with both options, because to some extent you are using the other person to make yourself feel better, while possibly not fully appreciating him or her as a person deserving of care and respect. In other words, both behaviors focus on you and not on the other person, who should be an equal partner in the relationship, regardless of your feelings toward yourself. However, I think there is still a important difference here: But dragging the other person down to your level is neither done in a positive spirit nor something the other person would ever agree to unless he or she is insecure also.

Is a person with more severe feelings of inadequacy more likely to express them negatively toward his or her partner? But if your self-loathing or insecurity stems from a deep-seated feeling that everyone else is "better" than you by nature , then you would be more likely to see others as examples to live up to. And if you have to chance at a relationship with someone you see as having superior qualities, you would want to benefit from them rather than resent or inihibit them.

Little of this depends on the intensity of the self-loathing or insecurity, but rather on your attitudes toward other people in light of them. That still leaves plenty of room for problems in the relationship, as I detailed in the earlier post, but they deal more with the self-loather's internalization of his or her own issues rather than outward negative expression of them. Nowinski and I are describing people with similar problems but who are dealing with them in completely opposite ways, which reflect different levels of respect and concern for their partners.

In short, people suffering from self-loathing or insecurity have real issues which deserve sympathy and compassion, but which do not justify projecting or imposing them on other people, in particular their romantic partners—ironically, those who are most likely to extend the sympathy and compassion most needed in these situations.

Dating a self loather

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