Despite your best efforts to get them to open up, you always end up hurt and frustrated that they never reciprocate the affection or love you feel for them.
Dating emotionally unavailable men is frustrating. So why do emotionally unavailable men exist? He may have experienced trauma that he bottled up over a lifetime, which can make being vulnerable again a challenge. This is entirely on him. He may be great in a crisis, but when it comes to opening up about his feelings even his disappointment of his football team losing the Super Bowl , this man seems incapable of emotional expression.
How to Address This: When something happens that you believe should have a significant emotional reaction his dog died, his brother ran over his foot with the car, his roommate drank his beer , prod him gently for a reaction.
But how are you really feeling about it? What gives with that behavior? I think the primary reason emotionally unavailable men can be self-centered is that they can control the conversation.
Being self-centered is a defense mechanism. As a side note, many men who are emotionally unavailable are often also narcissists. The two go hand-in-hand, and neither is a good partner for you. But how he treats others is a pretty good indicator of what you need to know about this guy. Is he rude to waiters at restaurants, always demanding things from them?
Would he kick a puppy? In general, you want a partner who can empathize with others. He should realize that people make mistakes, and if his waiter gave him the wrong order, politeness would remedy the situation better than anger. When you first start dating a man, pay attention to how he treats others. They Never Take the Blame When you ask what happened in past relationships, why they ended, he always puts the blame on his ex.
And the likelihood of that happening again and again — no less to a man who clearly seems to be emotionally unavailable — is highly suspect. What happens when you ask about past relationships?
Does he clam up or get bitter talking about his exes? Or can he tell you objectively what went wrong, including his role in the situation? A man who is emotionally secure can talk about past relationships in a constructive way.
He can share with you his insights without blaming or getting angry. Maybe when you first started dating, this man was all about you. He actively pursued you and did his best to woo you. As a result, you totally fell for him. Why is he disengaging?
He may want to deliberately sabotage the relationship so you end it. He may disengage in a number of ways , including: Working longer hours Spending time away from home Avoiding difficult conversations Keeping secrets Avoiding you And the more he pulls away, the more you move toward him, trying to understand his change in behavior.
You want communication and connection. He wants space and quiet. In her study of 1, divorced individuals over 30 years, Hetherington found that couples who fell into this pattern were more likely to divorce or otherwise separate. There is a fine line between a man needing some space to think about his relationship and a man completely disengaging.
If he says he needs some space, ask how long he needs. Men and women get different things from sex. He may prefer to have sex than to talk about his feelings, hoping to shut you up by giving you pleasure or just getting pleasured himself. He may use sex or withhold it in a power play to assert authority over you in your relationship.
He may deny that he needs help with opening up his emotional unavailability. Because you will fail if you try to change a man. Root around in his past. Ask questions that help you understand his relationship history.
What was his longest relationship? How old was he? You may never know that your boyfriend was molested or abused as a child since emotionally unavailable men often deliberately keep quiet about trauma from their past. If he has issues from his past, he has deliberately chosen not to confront them head-on up to this point.
There is nothing you can do or say that will compel him to open that door into the painful past. You just described my last five relationships. It sucks to keep dating emotionally unavailable men. You were doing what you should have been doing: There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. You now know what to avoid so that you steer clear of men who will never open up to you emotionally, and that puts you on the right path to love. I created the Male Mind Map to help you navigate the murky waters of the male mind.