Dating a gay man with asperger s. The Intersectionality of Autism and Homosexuality.



Dating a gay man with asperger s

Dating a gay man with asperger s

I only managed to read a handful of the pieces before I put it down in disgust. Mostly, I was hoping for tips on how to be a good ally. Instead, I got despairing rants that to me seemed chock full of ableism. On the bright side, I suppose if I wanted more information about the prejudices people with AS face, I got quite a sample.

I respect that partners have all sorts of different experiences, some of them really difficult. It seemed like all of the authors of pieces I read were deeply unhappy about their relationships. To give just one example, one of the authors worried about the fact that people with AS can serve on juries.

Personally I would be much more concerned if everyone on juries were neurotypical NT , especially given how often autistic people are targeted by police. My boyfriend of almost three years, T. Of course, this is just my particular experience of our particular relationship. Still, at the risk of being sappy, here are a few of the things I love about T.

Then he does his best to meet my needs and his best is usually very good. Getting that type of feedback from him has helped me to be more self-aware and direct with others about what I want and need.

When we first started dating, he asked to borrow a documentary about trans issues and watched it. He also asked me some good questions. We giggled some, awkwardly. Seriousness and grace are overrated when it comes to sex. He found me awake on his couch at around 3: We talked about my feelings for a bit. Then, he stayed up with me playing video games. I finally fell asleep in his arms. He eagerly discusses those ideas with me. He is growing as a person and committed to further growth.

He cares about issues of justice. When I was having communication problems with my partner, he sent me a link to a podcast on good communication techniques. After I got triggered during sex with a stranger, he held me and comforted me as I cried. When we went to a sex party together, he helped arrange for me to have hot sex with other guys. He has been willing to meet my other friends and lovers. He introduces me to his other friends and lovers and talks to me about them.

He welcomes me watching him have hot sex with other guys. He helps facilitate communication between me and his other boyfriend when needed.

Sometimes, he fixes my computer. Sometimes, he cuddles with me. When I told him, he encouraged me to share my feelings and listened to them. He reflected on the impact of what he did in a way that helped me to feel like he understood where I was coming from; then he apologized for it in a way that felt sincere.

He answered my questions, asked me about what I needed going forward, expressed willingness to make changes, and held back on saying anything he thought might be a false promise. Originally, this piece ended here.

When I showed a first draft to T. Regardless, one thing that has been helpful for me in our relationship is letting go of my self-censorship as much as I can. That is not by any means easy or natural for me. It has taken a lot of time in collective organizations, talk therapy, romantic relationships, and bdsm play for me to make any progress in directly expressing my feelings at all ever to anyone.

For example, once when I was angry, I actually cursed at him and stormed out of the room. Later, I apologized that I handled the situation in that way. That way I knew that you were angry! Still, for me, knowing that he appreciated even that type of communication helped me a lot in terms of my own social anxiety.

Often, I have stewed for hours and hours—or even months and months—about a particular feeling I have, why I have it, whether I can get over it on my own, what the best way to raise it with a partner might be, how I can bring it up in a positive, thoughtful, inoffensive manner that will lead to good communication, etc.

All of that second-guessing makes it a lot harder for me to communicate at all, especially in the moment. Sometimes he will ask me to clarify. Yes, that was definitely sarcasm. I interpreted intonation correctly! I also try to volunteer how I feel as often and explicitly as possible. I love it when you pick me up and swing me around like that! For example, I have some experience as a masochist. Before we did much SM play together, I tried to share what I knew about my reactions.

If I go silent or start crying, that could be fantastic or terrible—best to check in. Specificity about what I want and need emotionally helps a lot too. Self-awareness and directness really are handy in a variety of situations. Of course, self-awareness and directness only go so far. And really, overall, that sort of attention and honesty is exactly what I want.

Nothing and no one is perfect.

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Autism & Sex



Dating a gay man with asperger s

I only managed to read a handful of the pieces before I put it down in disgust. Mostly, I was hoping for tips on how to be a good ally. Instead, I got despairing rants that to me seemed chock full of ableism. On the bright side, I suppose if I wanted more information about the prejudices people with AS face, I got quite a sample. I respect that partners have all sorts of different experiences, some of them really difficult.

It seemed like all of the authors of pieces I read were deeply unhappy about their relationships. To give just one example, one of the authors worried about the fact that people with AS can serve on juries. Personally I would be much more concerned if everyone on juries were neurotypical NT , especially given how often autistic people are targeted by police.

My boyfriend of almost three years, T. Of course, this is just my particular experience of our particular relationship. Still, at the risk of being sappy, here are a few of the things I love about T. Then he does his best to meet my needs and his best is usually very good. Getting that type of feedback from him has helped me to be more self-aware and direct with others about what I want and need.

When we first started dating, he asked to borrow a documentary about trans issues and watched it. He also asked me some good questions. We giggled some, awkwardly. Seriousness and grace are overrated when it comes to sex.

He found me awake on his couch at around 3: We talked about my feelings for a bit. Then, he stayed up with me playing video games. I finally fell asleep in his arms. He eagerly discusses those ideas with me. He is growing as a person and committed to further growth. He cares about issues of justice. When I was having communication problems with my partner, he sent me a link to a podcast on good communication techniques.

After I got triggered during sex with a stranger, he held me and comforted me as I cried. When we went to a sex party together, he helped arrange for me to have hot sex with other guys. He has been willing to meet my other friends and lovers. He introduces me to his other friends and lovers and talks to me about them. He welcomes me watching him have hot sex with other guys.

He helps facilitate communication between me and his other boyfriend when needed. Sometimes, he fixes my computer. Sometimes, he cuddles with me. When I told him, he encouraged me to share my feelings and listened to them. He reflected on the impact of what he did in a way that helped me to feel like he understood where I was coming from; then he apologized for it in a way that felt sincere.

He answered my questions, asked me about what I needed going forward, expressed willingness to make changes, and held back on saying anything he thought might be a false promise. Originally, this piece ended here. When I showed a first draft to T. Regardless, one thing that has been helpful for me in our relationship is letting go of my self-censorship as much as I can. That is not by any means easy or natural for me. It has taken a lot of time in collective organizations, talk therapy, romantic relationships, and bdsm play for me to make any progress in directly expressing my feelings at all ever to anyone.

For example, once when I was angry, I actually cursed at him and stormed out of the room. Later, I apologized that I handled the situation in that way. That way I knew that you were angry! Still, for me, knowing that he appreciated even that type of communication helped me a lot in terms of my own social anxiety. Often, I have stewed for hours and hours—or even months and months—about a particular feeling I have, why I have it, whether I can get over it on my own, what the best way to raise it with a partner might be, how I can bring it up in a positive, thoughtful, inoffensive manner that will lead to good communication, etc.

All of that second-guessing makes it a lot harder for me to communicate at all, especially in the moment. Sometimes he will ask me to clarify. Yes, that was definitely sarcasm. I interpreted intonation correctly! I also try to volunteer how I feel as often and explicitly as possible.

I love it when you pick me up and swing me around like that! For example, I have some experience as a masochist. Before we did much SM play together, I tried to share what I knew about my reactions. If I go silent or start crying, that could be fantastic or terrible—best to check in.

Specificity about what I want and need emotionally helps a lot too. Self-awareness and directness really are handy in a variety of situations. Of course, self-awareness and directness only go so far. And really, overall, that sort of attention and honesty is exactly what I want. Nothing and no one is perfect.

Dating a gay man with asperger s

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